U.K. Repel Boarders Force


It appears that the British government…if one can so designate the shambles…have made a blunder.

Having made redundant numbers of those serving in what is now called the Border Force which is supposed to protect the sceptred isle from foreign incursions in the absence of the army which is busy doing America’s bidding elsewhere, it seems that it has dawned on the cretins that said sceptred isle is fairly vulnerable to foreign incursions as, like the various invaders before them, the current lot do not tend to arrive at Dover passport in hand.

Desperate measures have been tried.

Existing staff have been paid overtime…be still my neoliberal heart.

Totally inexperienced agency staff have been hired…neoliberal heart start beating again to the rhythm of private profit from the public purse.

All to no good.

So now they are considering calling for volunteers.

The press has jumped on the idea, ridiculing it with images from ‘Dad’s Army‘, the comedy television show about the wartime Home Guard, featuring  Corporal Jones, veteran of the campaigns in the Sudan, who is firmly of the opinion that Johnny Foreigner – whatever his hue – does not like it up him.

It being the bayonet.

corporal jones

Before going ahead the shambles might like to consider a pilot project currently operating in southern England…in an area once controlled by the Hawkhurst Gang in the eighteenth century, when smuggling was as big a business as now…but then involved booze rather than people.

Let us eavesdrop on a meeting of the committee…..

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen….and let us show our thanks to Bob the landlord by ordering a round of drinks.

Right…let me just check…two Teachers, one Bells,  two pints, one port and lemon, one dry sherry and one gin and campari.

Thank you, Bob…oh, that’s nice……crackers!


Right. Do we need to approve the notes of the previous meeting?

What do you mean, what meeting, Deidre? You must remember, we had it in your flat!

Bob! Another gin and campari, please.

Fine. Passed nem con.

Now, Dave, could you bring us up to date?

Yes, Mr. Chairman. As we all know, the creek is a weak point. There there  is no marina, no harbour master, no customs office and yachts come and go as they please.

Indeed they do! Just look at Mr. Saxon who takes his cat with him when he sails to the Bahamas every year. That cat never goes into quarantine and goodness only knows what it frequents with out there…

Bob! Another gin and campari, please…

So we need to keep it under observation.

Mr. Chairman, may I suggest co opting Mrs Bracegirdle onto the committee? Her back bedroom window overlooks the creek and she owns a pair of binoculars which belonged to her late husband.

But would she be willing to sacrifice her time, do you think?

Oh, certainly…it would just mean her moving from the front bedroom window where she keeps an eye on that new restaurant which replaced the fish and chip shop.

I’ve had my doubts about that place..full of fifth columnists.

Well just look at the customers! Coming down from London after the place had a write up in ‘The Guardian’….

‘The Guardian’! Tells you all you want to know! People who would turn their noses up at skate and chips but don’t turn a hair when their food comes with muck smeared over the plate….say what you like, Kevin could be a funny bugger but his fish and chips were the best!

And just look at the owner! Wears his hair in a bun…no hairnet, you notice. Kevin always wore a hairnet under his hat….and cavorts with those Italian waitresses…

Hang on..Bob? Two Teachers, one Bells, two pints, a port and lemon, a dry sherry and a double gin and campari.


What is all this about Italian waitresses? And buns?

Well, that is why I suggested co opting Mrs. Bracegirdle. She knows all about his goings on with the waitresses while he is pretending to be gay to please the London lot…

What goings on?

Well…out the back of the restaurant…she says it is very continental…

But how can she see what goes on out the back? Her windows overlook the street…

If she crouches down she can see the reflection from Mr. Harbottle’s greenhouse next door…

And what does she mean, ‘pretending to be gay’…no…on second thoughts…

So do you think she could be persuaded to move to the back bedroom?

She will do her duty by her country, certainly…but she might need a thermos flask…

Bob! Same again please…

Right! So much for the watching…but what do we do if she sees some illegal immigrants coming ashore? Like those Vegans, hitchhiking the galaxy….

Call the police?

What? The police? As much use as a chocolate teapot.

You’ll ring them up and some sarky so and so will ask why you think they are illegal immigrants and accuse you of racism.

No, we’ll have to make a citizen’s arrest.

Can you still do that? I thought you got into trouble if you tried to arrest someone…the police are very touchy, you know.

Yes…too idle to do anything themselves but they don’t like you showing them up…

We’ll have to say we thought there would be a breach of the peace…well, there will be one if Mr. Armstrong is there with his cosh…and that we were trying to prevent them leaving the scene…

And we’ll have to watch our language. Don’t want anyone claiming racism.

Then you’d better not have Mr. Harris out there…remember the uproar at the fete when he called the ice cream seller a spic?

So we need to cover the creek every night after Mrs. Bracegirdle goes to bed.

And in the winter we need to cover it while she is watching her soaps in the early evening…ideal time to smuggle people ashore while the nation is glued to ‘Eastenders’.

So that’s one person down there from about eleven o’clock onwards and if he sees anything suspicious he calls us out.

Call Mr. Armstrong first…he lives nearest and he can keep them busy with his cosh while the others assemble.

It’s a bit parky out there at night…

We’ll have to wrap up warm and lurk in the bus shelter.

There’s a terrible smell of pee in that shelter…

Take a bottle of bleach with you.

Are you sure about bleach? I thought vinegar was the thing…

Or hydrogen peroxide…

The council should  never have closed the toilets….

Well, I think we’ve taken things as far as we can tonight…Dave, would you make up a list of able bodied members willing to go on the watch rota?

Certainly, Mr. Chairman. I’ll make the rounds and report at the next meeting.

Any other business? No?

O.K. Bob, one for the road all round and can you call a taxi for Deidre?











32 thoughts on “U.K. Repel Boarders Force”

  1. Ha ha ha ha ha! So funny, thank you for making me laugh my socks off on this drear day.

    Just when you think ‘the Government’ cannot make themselves any more ridiculous, they pull it off again. What with the export of biscuits, jams and tea (previously imported) through to resurrecting the venerable Army of Fathers, this is going to make history lessons an absolutely hoot for generations still to come.

    With the current state of affairs, isn’t it possible that they may need border controls to stop people leaving rather than invading? Last person turn off the lights please – that Hinkley electricity isn’t cheap, you know.

  2. I got drunk just reading that!
    Captain Mainwaring and his men would jump at the chance but they would do better than that mob you have found.
    You do offer a good perspective on what such a group would be like.
    The police would love to keep well away.

        1. I am trying to remember where I saw a rant about arresting anyone who arrived with a beard and wearing a dress to which there was a shocked reply from someone who thought that that would exclude transsexuals…

    1. I cannot believe how people can bring themselves to vote for a party dedicated to ruining the country for the profit of the few…nor can I understand the incompetnce of it all…

  3. That should go viral … talk about a snortathon here in Grenoble (and I first read it at 4 am when I couldn’t sleep so doubtless my grand lemon-faced neightbours were unimpressed with my braying!). Of course, like all good comedy, it has it’s base in fact and the fact is that there are a load of self-serving imbeciles running the country and I sit with baited breath waiting for old Blightly to be no more. And the cherry on top of your brilliant writing is that still from Dad’s Army … ‘don’t tell him Pike’ remained my father’s favourite to his death and I heartily thank you for instantly evoking my old man which can never be bettered

    1. ‘Don’t tell him Pike’ encapsulates the idiocy of self elected authority…glad it brought back thoughts of how much your father enjoyed it.

      The dialogue owed a great deal to having to listen to mother’s friends droning on….there is one in particular who would hang upside down from the picture rail to catch a neighbour in flagrante delicto at the recycling bin….as long as she tied a rope round her knees so that her skirt would not descend thus showing her unmentionables…

          1. I knew my father was going to die when he agreed to my mother’s desire to live in a cul-de-sac in very bijou Oxfordshire village. He was more of the opinion that an island in the highlands all of his own was the order of the day. On his behalf I would be happy to appreciate your mamas friends!

  4. Must admit that my first reaction to this lot was that you’d had enough to make you jolly but not over the eight (whatever an ‘eight’ is)! Then I got to your responses to the comments and realised that if you had then enough time had passed for the fumes to wear off and truth to tell I preferred the former you to the more rational and ‘normal’ one. Anyway, to change tack, have you sourced any ethanol yet?

  5. No ethanol as yet….will have to prosecute my enquiries in San Jose once the car emerges from the garage where it is enjoying its annual sulk.

    A quick poll among those who know me well concludes that the ‘former’ is more typical than the ‘normal’ even without having drink taken…but of late, with all the worries of Leo’s health and daily long distance moaning from mother, it seems to have become submerged.

    Roll on the ethanol!

    1. When Britain…the heir of Wilberforce…allows rich Arabs to bring people who are in effect slaves into the country without let or hindrance and allows genuine refugees to rot in camps then it has lost its way.

      1. Oh so true. Sadly, corruption lives strong to the suffering of so many others in dire need. And to clarify, by “home” I meant take care of those not just in ones own country but in all homes. The word “border” is a heated button in these part so forgive my jumbled first comment. I’m all for not just keeping out corruption but ending it. How to do that? Seems impossible.

  6. The expression “misery loves company’ comes to mind. Living in the States where ignorance and incompetence go hand in hand particularly of late, it’s somewhat comforting to hear that other countries seem to experience the same shortcomings. Hopefully yours will get sorted out soon. I think we’re kind of stuck with our tribal stupidity indefinitely.

  7. Forward planning seems to be a total shambles in the current British civil service. Everything is geared towards short-term fixes while the future is ignored wherever possible. Not the fault of the civil servants of course but the politicians who are only concerned with winning the next election. There’s precious little forward planning for the NHS, for housing need, for public transport, or anything else. There has been so proper assessment of post-Brexit economic prospects, but what the hell, Theresa’s going to bulldoze it through regardless.

    I’m sure our borders will be more than secure as long as Mrs Bracegirdle is on the job….

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