We’ll go no more a roving so late into the night

country road night

Well, not if I have my way they won’t.

Before we bought this finca the wide verge on the top road was a well known spot for nocturnal encounters of both the romantic and the commercial kind.

Gradually, what used to be lines of cars have dwindled to a few individuals and this winter they had disappeared altogether.

However, summer is with us and traditionalists are trying to keep up old customs.

I do not care in the least what people get up to on the verge of the top road…as far as I am concerned they can have a full scale Roman orgy on the Cecil B. de Mille scale complete with female flute players and acrobats.

I also know that with the close knit nature of family life in rural Costa Rica the minute that young lovers booked themselves  into one of the twenty four hour hotels of the area their grannies would know in an instant so often the car in a back road is the only means of obtaining a little privacy.

Equally, the ladies of the night find that their clients do not wish to shell out for a room…

However, I am fed up with the orgiasts who shower their rubbish on the verge and inside my property where the dogs and the sheep can get at it.

It might make a sociological study to examine the rubbish thus deposed…from the nature of it, could you reach conclusions about the social status of the nocturnal noshers?

Fast food containers, chicken bones, plastic bags, cans of beer, mixers and soft drinks prevail…together with the ubiquitous used condoms.

I used to go  out with a strong torch and one of the Staffies, but I am getting to an age when struggling into the dressing gown, finding the shoes and harnessing up Einstein or Bunter is getting to be rather too much of a performance, not to speak of the distance down the drive and along the boundary, so I asked for advice on Facebook as to how to set up a strong searchlight as a deterrent…and had many interesting suggestions following which I asked Don Freddy if his electrician son had any ideas.

Yes, he had several, including electrifying the fence.

I rejected that as I would be sure to forget to turn the thing off and end up electrocuting myself, so he agreed to set up a light with a cable and a switch on the balcony.

How, he asked, would I know that the cars were there without some photocell thing which any passing animal would switch on.


Because Einstein snoozes on the balcony on summer nights and he strongly objects to cars which stop in the area of the house.

Cars which pass are fine.

Cars which stop are not.

Accordingly Don Freddy’s son set up the light on a tree well inside the property…in case some bright spark should steal it.

Night one.

Einstein, roused from slumbers, barks. Going to the window I see tail lights being switched off, so switch on my floodlight.

Crumbs! Don Freddy’s son has excelled himself! You could play a Test Match under it!

The car moves off.

One more turns up later…same gravy.

Night two.

Einstein barks. The sheep, whose pen is close to the road, are also disturbed.

No sign of tail lights, but I switch on the light anyway to illuminate a lithe two legged shape inside my property legging it for the boundary fence with a solid four legged shape rapidly gaining on it.

The four legged shape wins and the night is full of noise and fury…noise from the two legged who is hooked up on the wire in fine World War I style and fury from the four legged who is endeavouring to push him bodily into it.

Monty is loose.


No, I do not have a photograph of Monty in action – you would have to have a screw loose to  hang about when he is – but from an abandoned lamb brought up on the bottle he has become a well muscled patriarch with a fine territorial instinct and a murderous temperament.

Someone comes along the road to extricate the intruder and there is a noise as of a car pulling away from somewhere down the hill to leave the night to silence…and to Monty.

Don Freddy’s son was right…someone had tried to steal the light. Might be a frustrated orgiast, might just be one of the local druggies after something to sell to feed his habit.

I await night three.



56 thoughts on “We’ll go no more a roving so late into the night”

    1. The dogs always patrol in the mornings…and bring back their ‘treasures’…..most unwelcome ones! If I can just deter these last stragglers the problem might be over.

  1. I can just hear Brian Johnston…”My word that lamb has a ferocious turn of speed. And that’s not the ball he’s chasing out to the boundary! Oh my word!My word!”

  2. This could be your last night of any entertainment if word spreads Helen. Especially if your interloper from night two has to visit the hospital as a result of your wild ‘Bull’.
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx

    1. You must be psychic. Danilo’s daughter, on night shift at the local hospital, told him a chap had come in with a broken forearm and very torn clothing….
      Could this be our visitor?

      1. I think it’s worth risking an extra treat to your heroine as thanks. Maybe she should have a warning sign on her, Be Careful, More Vicious Than She Looks.
        xxx Huge Hugs xxx

        1. If you live round here…you know!
          Tally so far…the butcher’s delivery motorcycle, Don Jose seeking guaro and finding Monty, a very large lady from the rural development scheme – no grant forthcoming thence – two detectives and a police car. I suspect there is more….but some people like to keep their visits private…and their bruises to themselves.

  3. LOL Monty is obliviously a great deterrent, I wonder why bottle fed baby lambs grow up to be such tyrants.
    This reminds me of a story from Rhodesian days. My Dad had gone down to the stables to see to a horse that was not well in the middle of the night. Coming back to the house he saw a dark gentleman creeping along the side of the house. My mother’s poodles who were very alert barked madly and woke my great dane Rocky. The latter, normally very docile, rushed out and shot off after running gentleman. My father ran up the side of the house and discovered the gate open , gentleman gone and Rocky covered in blood. Dog was duly washed down and no sign of being stabbed with a knife. Dad decided there was no point in phoning the police at midnight but he phoned them early the following morning. The police phoned later to say a man had been admitted to hospital minus 1/2 of his buttocks. The story was he had been attacked by a lion on the Borrowdale road where we live.
    Keep well you two, looking forward to night 3, :-)))) Diane

  4. None shall pass! What fun for Monty and the Staffs. Word on the street will be avoid at all costs, I am sure and those that are foolish enough to ignore the warnings will be fodder for the feral sheep and his canine entourage. I loved this canter muchly!

  5. Brilliant tale!
    There is a worry someone might be desperate enough to turn nasty, this might hurt Monty.
    Leo does have a Blunderbuss handy I hope.
    Most will know well of the light and the guardians I suspect and few will venture near.
    I wonder if the shortfall in our police can be made up with spare lambs…?

    1. No weapons allowed here unless you take a psychological and practical test….or are a criminal, of course…

      I can see Monty patrolling the Essex streets….might give the homing drunks something to think about…
      One of the reasons that I leave the pen doors open at night is the ease of theft here. The goat farm down the road lost a number of animals last year when someone drove up to the pen and herded them into a lorry. With the doors open, ours have time to scatter…and Monty has time to go into action. It is another reason to have the pen fairly close to the house…sheep and dogs will give the alarm and I can be down there with a large dog asap.

  6. Lol Diane’s tale has me spluttering my 8pm cocoa.
    A ‘scare gun’ would probably work. Farmers use them to protect crops. Not sure anyone in a half mile radius would be happy though

    1. Wasn’t it super! And amazing for a Dane to attack…but dogs know who the bad guys are…
      I remember those scare guns…the local equivalent would be the things like land mines they set off to announce fiestas. Two of those and you are looking for your tin hat.

    1. I am just so fed up with the litter…and the nature of it. Danilo suggested letting Einstein and Bunter out but while the look of them would scare the living daylights out of the orgiasts it would mean that they were on the public road…or, more accurately, gravel track with potholes… and not under my control. Not a good situation legally if there was an altercation…. unless they managed to eat the evidence.

    1. We have had several….but Monty is the only aggressive one of the lot. Having said that, he will follow Leo like…a lamb…without a hint of problems. He toddles up to the house to find him if he finds the field gate loose, sits alongside him on the balcony or in the office and keeps the rest of us, human and canine, at bay by curling his lip in token of what he could do should he wished.

  7. You could declare the presence of either some chupa cabra-like creature or a convergence of sinister UFO activity. Post a warning sign that warns of these dangers – especially after sunset.

  8. Dear Helen what a gifted storyteller you are funny and to the point. Sometimes it takes me some time to fully understand it because you use idioms I don’t know. I am sure you are good company to laugh and have interesting discussions. I love the idea of Cecil B. De Mille scenigraphy in the middle of the bushes. What a super sheep that Monty I remember have seen photos of him being fed with a bottle by Leo. Also what a gorgeous dog you have there

    1. I apologise…I do use a lot of outdated slang.

      A Cecil B. de Mille directed orgy would certainly liven up the place!

      Monty is a real firecracker…who would have thought that that little lamb would turn into such a beast! But he still likes to be with Leo, and then is quiet and peaceful. I suppose he expects Leo to butt things on his behalf…

      Einstein is a beauty, isn’t he…as is Bunter who is a caramel colour. Einstein is much more quiet than his brother…Bunter is just a huge – over 45 kilos – pup who wants to play from morning to night.

    1. The blasted squirrels here sit in a tree a little way from the balcony where the dogs are baying at them in unison…
      Einstein is a beauty…as is his brother. Big loving lumps the two of them.

  9. Howe very unpleasant leaving their detritus behind. I’m thinking a multi-pronged attack is called for here.

    Put up a notice saying: “Warning – you are now being filmed. If you are seen leaving litter, the film will be made public. Enjoy your relaxation, but take your litter away.”

    Get some of your CR friends to start spreading stories of amants’ vehicles being attacked by huge fierce animals; hidden photographic equipment being installed in the area; used condoms being collected and used to acquire DNA for evidence

    Back it up with a pea shooter from the balcony. You don’t have a pea shooter? Then here’s how to make one – with a condom. Nice twist, yes?

    1. Someone somewhere is doubtless using that video as sex education….

      Vidaagradecida has a similar notion re fantasmical beasts….but they will know that if any used condoms were taken away the police station cleaner would bin them, before ever they reached a lab with cries of ‘Asco!’

      I shall see what happens tonight. Either a massed assault by the frustrated of the area….Einstein, Bunter and the thugs would enjoy that…..another optimistic thief…or, with luck, peace!

  10. Great story and some fab ideas in the comments on how to take even more action. I particularly love the condom peashooter.
    It’s a shame such action is needed though. People should just take their rubbish home with them, or at least to the nearest public bin. Maybe those are lacking in the right places.

  11. A very enterprising response to a local nuisance. And how amazing that someone actually tried to steal the light! It looks like it has been pretty effective so far. But no doubt the thwarted visitors will try some other means of disabling it. I look forward to ongoing reports of this interesting battle of wills!

    1. I hear that a new spot has been proposed…down by the rebuilt bridge which also has wide verges…let us hope!
      As to theft, it is just as in rural France…if you don;t nail it down, it has gone. The main problem is that of those on drugs, looking for anything to sell. They even steal the breakers from the electricity supply posts.

      1. Once had things stolen from outside our house here in rural France. Stolen by an English woman, who went on to boast to her friends! Who told their friends, who told their friends who told me. 🙂

  12. That’s compelling reading, VB; can’t wait for the next instalment. It puts our local scandal of the unknown moron throwing bagged dog crap over a wall instead of taking it home, into the right, fairly trivial, perspective. You should sell tickets.

  13. I’d try a slingshot if you can get a hold of one. They’re silent and no one can tell for certain where they’re coming from. Zing a couple marbles off their cars and that will move them along. Probably ruin the “mood,” too.

  14. Monty looks pretty scary to me. Maybe it’s just the way you photographed him… but I don’t think so. I like CB COnspiracy’s idea of a slingshot, there are great advantages to silence, but a slingshot might take a little more skill than a bow and arrow (for instance…..)

    1. Tempted by an array of Stalin’s organs for true overkill…..
      Monty is not at all nice to know if you are on his territory. If not, you can pat and stroke him to his heart’s content.

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