Well, ladies and gentlemen, at the end of our first year of activity I think we can say that we been very successful in safeguarding our country’s maritime frontiers. It just goes to show what the ordinary people of Britain can do when called upon… and look at the support we have had from the community!
Yes, Mr.Chairman! The Forgetmenots Luncheon Club had a raffle, as did the Over 60s Yoga and Pilates, the Yarnbombers, the Homebrewers and the Dachshund Walkers Group. And we shouldn’t forget Mr.Patel putting up our posters in the newsagent and I think we should express our gratitude to Mr. Aziz’s taxi firm for picking up our members in the early hours from the bus shelter after their tour of duty for which service he has refused all offers of payment.
Yes, it just goes to show what a solid community we have…despite the vicar.
What’s he been up to this time?
Well…hang on, let’s get a round in as Bob has been kind enough to let us use the back room here…
Bob! Two Teachers, one Bells, two pints, one port and lemon and a double gin and campari.
Oh, thanks, Bob! Cheese and crackers!
Nice bit of Cheddar, that! Just right!
Now, what about the vicar?
Well, you know what he’s like….apparently he told the Mothers’ Union that we were all a bunch of fascists. 0r racists, I can’t remember which but it was certainly ‘ists’…Not that they took much notice, but it’s a bit thick…we are clearly non political, just doing our best to uphold the law when the coastguard are so badly stretched.
And what’s happened to the Navy, I should like to know! When those French attacked our scallop fishermen, where were the Navy? One ship on a jolly in Norway and the other laid up! Fat load of use that would have been in the cod wars!
Well, yes, Deidre, it’s a crying shame what has become of the Navy…but that’s getting us into political waters…Bob? Another double gin and campari, please.
I forgot! I have to give Mrs. Bracegirdle’s apologies! As you know she has had a trying time lately with the police trying to confiscate her late husband’s binoculars with which she surveys the creek. Luckily she and her dachshund have been more than a match for them, but she says she doesn’t want to miss Eastenders so cannot be with us tonight.
I propose a vote of thanks to Mrs. Bracegirdle. After all, had it not been for her watchful eye we would never have captured those illegal immigrants!
All in favour raise your hands. Passed nem con. Would the funds be able to cough up for a box of chocolates for Mrs. Bracegirdle, do you think, Tom?
Wel, yes, Mr.Chairman, but I think it might be ultra vires, as not being a direct action to prevent illegal immigration…
Oh! We don’t want trouble with the law…or the vicar..
What’s that Bob?
You’ll give her a box of chocolates? Very generous of you! Another round, please!
She likes milk chocolates…
Thank you, Deidre.
Well, Mrs.Bracegirdle did sterling work! She spotted that tender coming up the creek on the first of the tide..and she knew who owned it. No way would he have been coming in at that state of the tide under normal circumstances!
No…too right! He picks up his floozies from the creek wall! You wouldn’t see them getting their high heels stuck in the mud at the head of the creek on the first of the tide.
I did hear that that woman who runs the estate agents was one of his light of loves…
Probably involved in putting the illegals in unoccupied properties….
That’s a point, Deidre…perhaps you had better tell the police.
I did, but all they did was to warn me that making allegations without foundation could land me in trouble.
Typical. Sulking because they were shown up by ordinary citizens having to do their job for them…
Bob? Another double gin and campari please.
Anyway, Mrs. Bracegirdle did the right thing: called Mr. Armstrong who came down with his cosh and kept them occupied while I called the police. Just as well I called up our own reserves too as the poor devils were frozen and starving so we were able to get them together and ask the ‘Coffee Pot’ cafe to take them in and give them hot soup and rolls….even though they were just about to close…while the Dogs’ Refuge brought clean blankets which had just been donated….thanks, Dave, for getting Mrs. Crowe to open up their stores.
The time you’d wait for the police and ambulance they’d have perished from cold…not that the police were very pleased when they did arrive and I just hope they returned the blankets as the poor dogs need them so much in the winter.
Makes you wonder why they go through it all….the people, I mean. Pay a fortune and risk losing your life…for what?
Well, to tell the truth, I think they think that things here are better than they actually are. I mean, would you believe that there would be a food bank here? People living from hand to mouth when they are in work? These chaps want to read the papers before they put their families in hock for years…
Still, we’re here to try to stop them getting ashore…the rest is politics…
And that isn’t our concern.
But Mrs. Bracegirdle’s triumph was when she and her dachshund cornered the trafficker by the public toilets – he must have thought he could hide there and then make a getaway – until Mr. Armstrong could come over and threaten him with his cosh.
For a little dog that Atilla of hers is pretty impressive…very snappy and leaps straight for your crown jewels….the postman won’t deliver…
Well, lord high and mighty wouldn’t have known that the council had closed the toilets last year, would he? He’d use the Yacht Club conveniences, having the keys…
Yes, please, Bob, another round, but could you make one of a pints a double brandy, please? I think I’ve a cold coming on.
Did you hear the tale he told? Said he’d picked them up mid Channel as their boat was sinking and was bringing them in to safety…he’d have taken them straight to the police if we hadn’t interfered…
One of the poor devils had some English though, and he said they were picked up from a creek near Boulogne where they had been taken in a truck…
Anyway, no one who knows him would believe he’d do a good deed….look how he finangled his election as Commodore of the Yacht Club…it was poor old Jack’s turn but he wormed his way in with his criticisms of the steward and the way the bar was run…
And now you need a mortgage to buy a drink there…Andy was chucked out for bringing in his own beer after the Autumn Cup…
To be fair he was selling it out on the balcony…
Still, there’ll have to be new elections for Commodore now…good riddance to him with his red trousers and his ‘water at the mark’!
They do say that he voted Liberal Democrat…
Now, Deirdre, no politics please or the vicar will accuse us of being ‘ists’ again…
Any other business? No? Well that’s that then…well done everyone, have a merry Christmas and keep up the good work in the year to come!
Bob? Another round please, and a taxi for Deidre.
And may you all enjoy a merry Christmas too!
The Venomous Bead 