The U.K. Repel Boarders Force Christmas Meeting


Well, ladies and gentlemen, at the end of our first year of activity I think we can say that we  been very successful in safeguarding our country’s maritime frontiers. It just goes to show what the ordinary people of Britain can do when called upon… and look at the support we have had from the community!

Yes, Mr.Chairman! The Forgetmenots Luncheon Club had a raffle, as did the Over 60s Yoga and Pilates, the Yarnbombers, the Homebrewers and the Dachshund Walkers Group. And we shouldn’t forget Mr.Patel putting up our posters in the newsagent and I think we should express our gratitude to Mr. Aziz’s taxi firm for picking up our members in the early hours from the  bus shelter after their tour of duty for which service he has refused all offers of payment.

Yes, it just goes to show what a solid community we have…despite the vicar.

What’s he been up to this time?

Well…hang on, let’s get a round in as Bob has been kind enough to let us use the back room here…

Bob! Two Teachers, one Bells, two pints, one port and lemon and a double gin and campari.

Oh, thanks, Bob! Cheese and crackers!

Nice bit of Cheddar, that! Just right!

Now, what about the vicar?

Well, you know what he’s like….apparently he told the Mothers’ Union that we were all a bunch of fascists. 0r racists, I can’t remember which but it was certainly ‘ists’…Not that they took much notice, but it’s a bit thick…we are clearly non political, just doing our best to uphold the law when the coastguard are so badly stretched.

And what’s happened to the Navy, I should like to know! When those French attacked our scallop fishermen, where were the Navy? One ship on a jolly in Norway and the other laid up! Fat load of use that would have been in the cod wars!

Well, yes, Deidre, it’s a crying shame what has become of the Navy…but that’s getting us into political waters…Bob? Another double gin and campari, please.

I forgot! I have to give Mrs. Bracegirdle’s apologies! As you know she has had a trying time lately with the police trying to confiscate her late husband’s binoculars with which she surveys the creek. Luckily she and her dachshund have been more than a match for them, but she says she doesn’t want to miss Eastenders so cannot be with us tonight.

I propose a vote of thanks to Mrs. Bracegirdle. After all, had it not been for her watchful eye we would never have captured those illegal immigrants!

All in favour raise your hands. Passed nem con. Would the funds be able to cough up for a box of chocolates for Mrs. Bracegirdle, do you think, Tom?

Wel, yes, Mr.Chairman, but I think it might be ultra vires, as not being a direct action to prevent illegal immigration…

Oh! We don’t want trouble with the law…or the vicar..

What’s that Bob?

You’ll give her a box of  chocolates? Very generous of you! Another round, please!

She likes milk chocolates…

Thank you, Deidre.

Well, Mrs.Bracegirdle did sterling work! She spotted that tender coming  up the creek on the first  of the tide..and she knew who owned it. No way would he have been coming in at that state of the tide under normal circumstances!

No…too right! He picks up his floozies from the creek wall! You wouldn’t see them getting their high heels stuck in the mud at the head of the creek on the first of the tide.

I did hear that that woman who runs the estate agents was one of his light of loves…

Probably involved in putting the illegals in unoccupied properties….

That’s a point,  Deidre…perhaps you had better tell the police.

I did, but all they did was to warn me that making allegations without foundation could land me in trouble.

Typical. Sulking because they were shown up by ordinary citizens having to do their job for them…

Bob? Another double gin and campari please.

Anyway, Mrs. Bracegirdle did the right thing: called Mr. Armstrong who came down with his cosh and kept them occupied while I called the police. Just as well I called up  our own reserves too as the poor devils were frozen and starving so we were able to get them together and ask the ‘Coffee Pot’ cafe to take them in and give them hot soup and rolls….even though they were just about to close…while the Dogs’ Refuge brought clean blankets which had just been donated….thanks, Dave, for getting Mrs. Crowe to open up their stores.

The time you’d wait for the police and ambulance they’d have perished from cold…not that the police were very pleased when they did arrive and I just hope they returned the blankets as the poor dogs need them so much in the winter.

Makes you wonder why they go through it all….the people, I mean. Pay a fortune and risk losing your life…for what?

Well, to tell the truth, I think they think that things here are better than they actually are. I mean, would you believe that there would be a food bank here? People living from hand to mouth when they are in work? These chaps want to read the papers before they put their families in hock for years…

Still, we’re here to try to stop them getting ashore…the rest is politics…

And that isn’t our concern.

But Mrs. Bracegirdle’s triumph was when she and her dachshund cornered the trafficker by the public toilets – he must have thought he could hide there and then make a getaway – until Mr. Armstrong could come over and threaten him with his cosh.

For a little dog that Atilla of hers is pretty impressive…very snappy and leaps straight for your crown jewels….the postman won’t deliver…

Well, lord high and mighty wouldn’t have known that the council had closed the toilets last year, would he? He’d use the Yacht Club conveniences, having the keys…

Yes, please, Bob, another round, but could you make one of a pints a double brandy, please? I think I’ve a cold coming on.

Did you hear the tale he told? Said he’d picked them up mid Channel as their boat was sinking and was bringing them in to safety…he’d have taken them straight to the police if we hadn’t interfered…

One of the poor devils had some English though, and he said they were picked up from a creek near Boulogne where they had been taken in a truck…

Anyway, no one who knows him would believe he’d do a good deed….look how he finangled his election as Commodore of the Yacht Club…it was poor old Jack’s turn but he  wormed his way in with his criticisms of the steward and the way the bar was run…

And now you need a mortgage to buy a drink there…Andy was chucked out for bringing in his own beer after the Autumn Cup…

To be fair he was selling it out on the balcony…

Still, there’ll have to be new elections for Commodore now…good riddance to him with his red trousers and his ‘water at the mark’!

They do say that he voted Liberal Democrat…

Now, Deirdre, no politics please  or the vicar will accuse us of being ‘ists’ again…

Any other business? No? Well that’s that then…well done everyone, have a merry Christmas and keep up the good work in the year to come!

Bob? Another round please, and a taxi for Deidre.

And may you all enjoy a merry Christmas too!








35 thoughts on “The U.K. Repel Boarders Force Christmas Meeting”

  1. Well, that set me right after a shopping run to The Big Supermarket.
    You do have to admire the dive-in wits of the local community, don’t you? You just don’t get the camaraderie in suburbia.
    Thanks for the laugh, m’dear and may you and Leo have a happy Christmas and a year of better health. Cheers!

  2. Many thanks…we could do with an upturn!
    Enjoy Christmas…and keep on showing me plants I envy!
    It was visiting mother – whose health took a downturn – and listening to her friends – that the Repel Boarder Force resurfaced…

    1. I do hope your troubles with the aftermath of the fires are now resolved and that you and the dogs can settle down for a peaceful Christmas.
      Amazing how our masters continually tell us that the skies will fall if we do not conform to their model…we need to remind them of the old Common Law maxim ‘Fiat justitia ruat caelum’…let justice be done though the heavens fall..

  3. No problems with illegal immigrants here – they are seen as a positive reserve on the balance sheet with the EU. May your home fires burn brightly!

  4. I’m confused!
    I was half way down that wondering why you were reprinting items from the ‘Daily Mail’ when I realised it was a spoof.
    This could be passed on to some ‘Daily Express’ readers around here but they might recognise themselves.
    I am convinced many of them spend their weekends down at Maldon hoping to catch a boatload.
    You meet the most interesting people….

    1. After a couple of weeks in the company of some of mother’s friends I wonder if we are all on the same planet.
      The most bigoted is an Austrian lady……very keen to pull up the drawbridge!

  5. Had me smirking the whole way through. Although I do think you are unkindly prejudiced against dachshunds — doesn’t fit the stereotype at all in my experience, quite the opposite. I would have gone for cocker spaniel I think, even though less ironic.

    1. Super little dogs, aren’t they. A chap down the road from mother has one, which thinks it is a guided missile when on its own territory, though good as gold when out on the lead.

  6. Indeed, we have to spare no efforts to safeguard our borders, or who knows what dreadful people will sneak into the country and undermine our flourishing democracy. They’ll claim to be nurses and doctors and demand to be given jobs in the health service. There’s no end to their deviousness. Congratulations to all those public-spirited souls who’re keeping out all those foreign trouble-makers. Now whose turn is it to stand the next round?

  7. Very cheering, but I feel like I drank all that beer now!
    Thank you Helen and a very merry Christmas and I hope a happy, healthy and prosperous 2019 is in store for you and Leo (and me).

    1. I would stick to the double gin and campari if i were you…avoids visiting the loos closed down by the council.
      Let’s all have a happy and healthy – apart from the double gin and campari – Christmas and New Year.

  8. Thanks for the laugh I needed that. Six weeks in the UK caring for FIL is pretty depressing. Wishing you both a very Happy Christmas and hopefully a good 2019. Take care Diane

    1. It’s no joke, is it? I had to go over to see to mother who had a downturn, which meant having a 24 hour carer for Leo, and passed most of the time getting the specialised services into action…I was as fed up with going to her doctor’s surgery as they were fed up with seeing me on their doorstep, but eventually we got there…
      I find I just want to be peacefully at home these days…
      Have a good Christmas…and look forward to being back in your own home in the New Year.
      Mark you, at least the heating is working this year!

  9. It could be worse…you could live with the orange maniac who agrees to something then when he gets pushback from the conservative media corp he decides to shut down 80% of the blinking government 4 days before Christmas. 🤐
    A rousing ‘Fleas Navidog’ to you and yours including all the thugs. 😊

  10. I am passing the ‘Fleas Navidog’ on to the thugs…they appear to be delighted, though it could be because they think dinner will be early….
    I think the U.K. politicians outdo Trump….threaten to shut down the whole country in order to blackmail M.P.s into voting for a Brexit deal which is a disaster….and we all know how little it takes to blckmail an M.P.
    Merry Christmas to you all. Well…not Trump.

  11. I read the Youtube title as “Weasel, Weasel All Over Town.” That’s when I knew I better put down the eggnog and read more carefully. Still, I must confess I lost some nuance in the translation from English tut-tut to English y’all, but essentially you’re mocking the Make Britain Great Again movement (MBGA), right? Fortunately, here in the US we respect all our politicians and would never mock them.

    1. Weasels all over the town would best describe the Tory party, it must be said….so sad that you in the U.S. A. feel them to be iviolable…
      Time to put on your yellow hi viz jacket….or let Max do so.

  12. Thank you so much for a much needed laugh at this time of year, when goodwill to all men seems to be lacking both in the UK and USA, and we immigrants in the EU stumble around still not knowing what our future will be.

    Do hope that Mother has recovered her health, and that you, Leo and the thugs will enjoy a peaceful Christmas and an equally peaceful, happy and healthy 2019.

    With love from Daisy, Tommy, Susie and Terry.

  13. I note the order of precedence and see that you too know your place…under the paw. May it continue thus into a New Year which, hoping against hope, might see a little stability in the world.

    Mother is better, but not well….Leo very poorly…but the thugs are all right! Eistein has even recovered from a bite from a poisonous snake which he was attempting to eat.

    I see it has finally dawned on the more militant of the Brexit haters that the EU could not give a flying fart about people who settled in other EU countries under the then regime, any more than th current U.K. government…I think it shocking that no one could just do as Costa Rica does…you settle here under regime A. Regime A changes to regime B, but you are O.K. as things are not retrospective.
    I do hope that things settle down for you…all this getting a carte de sejour which will then have to be changed for something as yet to be determined is enough to give one the heebiejeebies.

    1. Thank you! Yes, a quiet one, thank goodness, apat from the dogs overturning the kitchen waste bin and disputing the contents….their version of unwrapping the presents, I suppose!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s