U.K. Repel Boarders Force To Expand Its Activities.

Well, thank you all for coming tonight…and thanks to Bob for letting us use the back room once again. I’ll just get a round in and we’ll make a start.

Bob? Two Teachers, one Bells, two pints, a dry sherry, a gin and campari and a double rum, if you’d be so good.

Now, as you know, at the AGM it was proposed and passed nem con that Alf should be co opted onto the committee, given his experience in the Cod Wars, to give some persepective on the maritime side of the problem so, Alf, thank you for agreeing to take on the responsibility.

Oh, thank you Bob! And cheese and crackers…that is spoiling us!

Glad to help out, Mr. Chairman – and a nice drop of Pussers that, Bob!

Well, just as well that Alf is with us as the BBC have just said that the Navy won’t be able to keep foreign fishing boats out of our waters after Brexit.

Typical! Look how they’ve run down the Navy….reduced to sharing an aircraft carrier with the French…and that won’t be available when you need it, just you see…their wardroom will have run out of olives and won’t be able to put to sea…

I know, Deidre, but an aircraft carrier wouldn’t be much use in this case…Bob! A double gin and campari, please.

The thing is, there is already abuse as it is….Dave here likes to fish off the beach and, well, you tell them Dave.

Yes, Mr. Chairman. I have to dig for ragworm for bait during the day, of course, keeping an eye out for the council shitehawks now they have those quad bikes that can drive along the beach….

Sheer waste of public money! What was wrong with having a bike to ride along the promenade to spot baitdiggers without a licence the way they used to do? Too idle to shin down the wall and run after them, that’s what!

Yes, Mrs. Bracegirdle, I agree – Bob? Another round, please – but carry on Dave, will you?

Yes, Mr. Chairman. Well, as I was saying, I have to dig for bait during the day, but the fishing is good when the tide comes in at night and I like to get away from the wife’s soaps and cookery programmes anyway. Well, very often you can be down there and when the moon is up these French fishing boats without lights come along as close to the shore as they can get, dredging up everything in their nets….they come by night to avoid the coastguard spotting them, I think, but the point is that if they are doing that now, just imagine what they’ll be doing after Brexit! Hordes of the buggers, that’s what there’ll be, dragging the seas dry!

Language!

Sorry, Mrs. Bracegirdle, it slipped out.

And I heard some French minister say that Brexit or no Brexit they’d be fishing our waters, come what may! And what are we to do if the Navy can’t defend us!

Well, you can’t really blame the Andrew, Deidre, it’s not their fault if politicians don’t give them the means to defend our interests….Bob, could you do another double gin and campari, please?

Sold down the river, that’s what we are…and have been ever since they conned us into joining what was then the Common Market!

And don’t forget the Americans! We were winning the Cod Wars when we had to pull out because the Icelanders threatened to leave NATO and shut down the American bases there…

Too much foreign influence! That’s the problem!

Well yes, but we shouldn’t get into politics. We are just trying to help in a situation where official bodies, like the coastguard, are too hard pressed to do a proper job, and it looks as if the Navy will be needing a hand too…

Any ideas, Alf?

Well, round here, the problem is that we don’t really have home based trawlers of a size to do much for themselves….you need to ram the buggers – sorry Mrs. Bracegirdle – and cut their nets and you need to be of a size to do that. Bob, could you do another round please?…need to wet my whistle. So we have to think outside the box.

Where it comes to those trawlers Dave was talking about I have had one idea…and we don’t have to wait until Brexit, either!

Now, you need to confuse them about the depth of water…their sonar won’t be too good close in, with the sands shifting the way they do, so this might work. You’ll need an attractive young lady, though.

What…to lure them inshore?

Sort of. If she stands up, so that only her top is above the waves, always in the same spot, and they get used to seeing her – being Frogs they won’t miss clocking her – and then one night she sits down…still showing her top, they’ll think they have plenty of water but they won’t. They’ll run aground and then we can go for them and give them what for!

She’ll be pretty cold, though, won’t she?

She can wear a wet suit on the bits they can’t see…and she could take a thermos…

The other thing is to ask our local fishermen to harass them…surround them like, so that they can’t shoot their nets. It would be a bit chancy as your Frog is a violent bugger – sorry Mrs. Bracegirdle – but with enough of us we could board them and take over the boat.

But that would be piracy, Alf! Like those Somalis!

Well yes….but I had a think about that.

You know when Sir Francis Drake went after the Spanish, there wasn’t really a navy at all, so what he was doing could have been called piracy…but for one thing. Good Queen Bess gave him a Letter of Marque which authorised him to attack enemy ships and confiscate them and their contents – in return for a cut of the booty for the Queen when he returned.

So what we need is a Letter of Marque….and I reckon we might be able to get one!

How’s that, Alf? Bob, another round, please!

Well, the High Court of Admiralty used to issue them…but, of course, the bug….well, it’s sort of disappeared for years…but they’ve overlooked one thing. There’s still an Admiralty Court of the Cinque Ports, and it has jurisdiction over this area! Now, if we could persuade the judge to revive the Letters of Marque we could protect our boats if they attack the French!

I used to know who it was, introduced to him in the golf club…decent bloke….someone stole his oar years ago and he was very upset.

I’d always thought he was happily married!

No, Deidre, it was the silver oar that was stolen…the oar that has to be in the court when it is in session.

Surely there’s some law against it, though?

Only some treaty with a load of Europeans…and after Brexit we won’t be bothering about any of them, will we!

Well, is it the sense of the meeting that Alf looks into it all and reports to the next meeting?

Carried, nem con. Thank you Alf! Now, Bob, a last round for the road, please…and could you order a taxi for Deidre?

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27 thoughts on “U.K. Repel Boarders Force To Expand Its Activities.”

  1. All a bit like that I’m afraid, but you forgot the members of other parties all saying “Well, of course I don’t want no deal Brexit but I’m not going to cooperate with him/her to stop Johnson.” Most of the sense has been talked today by Caroline Lucas, who wants an all female government of national unity and is working to try and get various eminent women onside. It’s a really bold plan met by predictable hostility by certain old white men

  2. While she is proposing the referendum to be ‘remain’ or ‘no deal’ then I am on the side of certain old white men.
    And any government including Jo Swinson, with her disgraceful record in the coalition government, implementing the measures which brought about Brexit, would not be acceptable to me either.
    Britain needs a general election, not a referendum, to enable people to start looking at the whole picture of society rather than just Brexit.

  3. Well,, this is a lovely re-run.(I do hope Deirdre is alright!)

    And I was about to chime in and say there should have been a General Election called before things got this far.

    1. I think Deidre is a bit like one of those pickled eggs you used to see on pub counters…all is well while the liquid lasts.
      Of course there shouldhave been a General Election. Blame the Lib Dems for the Fixed-term Parliament Act 2011 which has really cocked things up. Can you imagine two thirds of the gravy slurpers voting for their own possible demise? Or a no confidence vote when the said slurpers are all angling for their own advantage?

  4. The Tories are known to be preparing for a general election and the ex director of legislative affairs for No. 10 (who is not impressed by Johnsons anti constitutional schemes) recently explained why that would suit them incredibly well. Poor old Corbyn has just had a march for a general election too! Latest poll show him less trusted and less popular than Johnson, quite an achievement to chuck away that “integrity” image for a proven massive liar but he’s still hopeful of a massive unexpected swing back to him despite what the polls have been saying for the last 18 months. Brexit is hugely relevant, if a Trump-backed Tory far right government imposes constitutional outrages upon Britain to get through a tax dodging No Deal , this is dreadful. The consequences of no deal are expected by the vast majority of experts to severely damage the environment, ruin British agriculture and penalize the sick – among many other things. Honestly not a time to be making a case about which of two dud parties is preferable, unless one’s into those teenage conversations about whether you’d rather be blind or deaf, or if it is better to be torn to bits by wolves or crushed beneath a road roller! 🙂

  5. Yes, I try to keep up with the news in the papers – well online papers without a paywall anyway!
    I do think it is the wrong way to look at things, putting Brexit first and foremost…we need to consider how it came about and how to put society back on its feet again, which won’t be achieved by returning to power the people who brought about the conditions which produced the Leave vote.Politicians rarely have a Damascus moment…more like a Bourbon one. Thus the need for an election with the parties rolling out a whole programme, not just a Brexit brawl which plays to the worst of tribal instincts.
    I thought from the moment the vote was announced that it would end in either a no deal situation or total capitulation by the U.K. as the E.U. was hardly likely to give an inch and the lack of forward planning is yet another thing to lay at the door of the May government….

  6. A cunning plan indeed. But is there an attractive young lady ready to volunteer?

    A general election does seem to be on the cards. And yes, Labour will do very badly because of Jeremy Corbyn’s dithering and ambiguity and lack of any effective electoral strategy. Boris might very well win the day.

    1. I’m sure that some exhibitionist will come forward…..as long as there is waterproof pocket for the ‘phone to take a selfie….
      Corbyn should have enabled the constituencies to unload the Blairite M.P.s as soon as possible after his election as leader…they have concentrated on ridding themselves of him rather than ridding the country of the Tories. You cannot deal with these people in any reasonable manner.
      If Johnson wins, they will be in large measure responsible.

  7. OMG. Do you really see this happening ? Makes England less and less attractive to live. I am with Jenny entirely. Except that I see Corbyn as a useless windbag who will run Lab into the ground.
    What this country needs is a written Constitution to stop anyone setting themselves up as de facto dictator as Johnson is doing.

    1. It’s a good job we live elsewhere or my blood pressure would be off the scale…but the buggers still have my pension and I don’t appreciate its depreciation!
      Not too impressed with written constitutions…all depends on who is writing them and how they are interpreted. I like the flexibility of the U.K. constitution – and thought the Fixed-term Parliament Act was a disaster in the making. Remember what Wellington said about Napoleon? “Napoleon built his campaigns of iron and when one piece broke the whole structure collapsed. I made my campaigns using rope, and if a piece broke I tied a knot”. That’s the sort of constitution I like…adaptable.
      The reaction to the referendum was such that I can;t see how another can be held…neither group would accept losing it and the splits in society could only widen.
      Nor can I see how re electing the very people responsible for the coming about of the Leave vote can be any form of healing process.
      The problem lies in the weakness of the people vis a vis the politicians….the party structure dominates both central and local government and stifles genuine discussion in the interests of gaining and keeping power. If only we trusted each other more…sufficiently so to elect genuinely independent minded people to office.

    1. Depends what happens with the leaving process.
      If both parties play hardball, then the E.U. and the U.S. will do their best to short the pound even more….if there is any sort of agreement then the disentanglement will take at least five years with distrust at every turn.
      Britain could profit from a depreciation of the currency…but that means having some sort of manufacturing industry making something to export – sorely lacking thanks to post Thatcher internal policies and E.U. sectoring policies.
      If Corbyn takes power…which seems unlikely under the media onslaught and the subversion among his M.P.s…. then there is a chance to borrow at low rates to invest in industry and infrstructure.
      If the Johnson Tories win then it will be a race to the bottom with the poor, ill and uneducated caste out as waste, while the country profits from the the lack of burden of E U. regulation and high tariffs…but the gains will go only to the already haves.
      If the would-be Remain coalition takes shape then the race to the bottom will continue….but inside the E.U. framework.
      I just wish that the U.K. would take on board that it is a small country and stop trying to strut on the world stage.
      Now you know why I’d never be elected to office!

        1. I’ve been a political animal all my life…..but I have never been so pessimstic about outcomes as now….
          People seem so blinkered, so unable to think for themselves, so ignorant of history…
          It just shows how dumbed down education has become in the U.K.

  8. My friend has sponsored a couple of French lads to stay four or six weeks in the US, visit the country and work at her business when they are not travelling. It took me a while to understand it was them when she would say “The frogs left, just this morning…”, or any other thing about her frog guests.

    1. I wonder how the French became the frogs? Is it from the frogs’ legs which used to feature on menus…and which were common fare for people living alongside watercourses and lakes?
      When I was in France the English were referred to as ‘les rosbifs’, from their love of roast beef, held – by the French – to be the national dish…or, from a much earlier period ‘les goddams’ from the habit of the medieval soldiery to swear….or, in polite mockery in the press ‘les sujets de sa gracieuse majeste’.
      There was also an all enveloping hat worn by women on the Ile de Re, known as the quichenotte…supposedly from ‘kiss me not’ and meant to deter the lecherous soldiery but i think that one was made up.

  9. I was thinking things could not get any worse when Lucas came out with her all female cabinet.
    Clearly she has little comprehension of female human nature. The idea that they will work together for the common good is common amongst feminist thinkers, none of whom have ever had a proper job, and none of whom have ever worked in a female led environment.
    I have!
    Boris is going for a quick election while Labour is down, however the faddish Lib-Dems might take enough seats to stop a majority. They will also Lose their leader as Dunbartonshire will dump her they reckon. Her Tory support did not do her any good.
    Fishermen, desperate for a 200 hundred mile sea to themselves, never a moment when they thought it was a lie.
    Dearie me, farmers also…

  10. I hooted when i saw the all female coalition mooted. a ministry of all the egos….you’d never get anything constructive from that lot.
    And was it Green Party policy…or just a bright idea that Lucas came up with on her own?
    I would be delighted to see Swinson out….and any others who worked with the Tories to ruin life for so many who needed help.
    Farmers are always moaning….I remember the Norfolk crop rotation
    Barley
    Barley
    A Mediterranean cruise.

  11. Tthere are so many conspiracies, possibilities and probabilities being reported in the newspapers here that I have given up reading about it all until we actually know what is going to happen. I reckon that some of it is scaremongering, while other options are tactical. All aimed at duping Corbyn into thinking that he has more support than he has.

    Thank you for your comment. I don’t know how that post managed to get published as I had not finished writing it!

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