Daddy Wouldn’t Buy Me A Bow-Wow

We shall return to this in due course, though, in passing, my maternal grandmother’s neighbour, a woman of firm views and strong language, used to do an impressive interpretation of said Jessie Matthews singing ‘Over my shoulder goes one care’…

which involved her miming throwing one large breast after the other over her shoulders…though from a woman whose pronouncement ‘There she stood, tits akimbo’ had puzzled our youth, anything was possible….if well outside our comprehension.

Revenons a nos moutons.

The BBC, aware that cricket fans deprived of their sport might run amok with Awful Consequences, decided to run commentaries on famous Test matches…five days on the trot at eight hours a day should keep them from menacing the police with bodyline bowling in the hours of daylight, thus aiding said police in their mssion to prevent people from sitting on park benches – Avoidance of Piles Caused by Corona Virus Regulations as ordained by Statutory Instrument.

The first one, the second Ashes Test of 2005, was due to start today…advertised as being at 10.30 am U.K. time, which translated as 3.30 am Costa Rican time.

Accordingly, I rose at 3.00 am in order to set up the proxy server which is supposed to kid the BBC that I am in the U.K. Why the BBC cannot understand that any number of people abroad would prefer to pay the BBC direct rather than go through this rigmarole is beyond me…

Mark you, the subscription should be for the whole range of BBC output, not that which its mandarins consider ‘suitable’, that is, unfunny comedies, so called celebrities and blasted David Attenborough, whose extinction at the hands, or claws, of some primeval monster would give me great pleasure. Preferably underwater.

Make tea while waiting for the proxy server to kick in. Am detected in such as a plaintive voice announces that it, too, would like tea…but not tea on its own…that would give rise to indigestion.

Would there be custard to go with trifle?

Trifle at 3.00 am is, in my view, akin to the Pelagian heresy. And, furthermore, there is no custard.

Express said view.

Ah…would there, in that case, be any chance of a pickled sea bass sandwich with lettuce and mayonnaise?

Said mayonnaise is a bone of contention in this household. I think mayonnaise is made with olive oil. Higher Authority, reared on frites with mayonnaise made with inferior oils, thinks sunflower oil is fine.

Not content with that, he has introduced to the household a vast jar of appalling mustard, heavy on the turmeric and vinegar and light on anything else. It is dreadful…but ought to be used. Personally I would use it to asperse the rulers of the England and Wales Cricket Board as that would certainly learn them…but we are an ocean apart. It is to be used in the fabrication of mayonnaise.

You want mayonnaise with that?

Not if it is too much trouble…in faint tones…

Make said mayonnaise, apply to sandwich, supply same and tea.

Return to computer.

The so and so BBC have cocked it up…the broadcast now begins two hours later….5.30 am.

Return to bed?

No….the floor needs washing as doggie paws have revelled in the start of the rainy season and this is an ideal time as it will dry before Danilo stamps his boots over it.

Floor washed.

Settle in front of laptop.

Name of the wee man! BBC Five Live not available!Frenzy of hiding the history, turning off, restarting…same gravy!

Turn off and go to interview the tiny black kitten dumped here some days ago, now living in a large rabbit hutch while we try to find a home for her. Very sweet and cuddly….but who wants a female kitten even if we will pay for treatments and injections?

Return to house, humming ‘Daddy Wouldn’t Buy Me a Bow Wow ‘….’I’ve got a little cat and I’m very fond of that but I’d rather have a bow wow wow.’

Am greeted by Higher Authority who informs me that the lyrics of that particular ditty indicate that I prefer a penis to a vagina…according to some article in ‘The Guardian’.

I may be in total agreement, but after the the affair of the mustard and the mayonnaise am in no mood to say so.

Return to laptop. Find BBC Five Live.It works!

Marcus Trescothick is flaying theAustralian bowlers…all is well with the world…or at least it was in 2005.


60 thoughts on “Daddy Wouldn’t Buy Me A Bow-Wow”

  1. I’m not one of the cricketing afficionados so would not be inclined to haul derriere from cot.Have been known to get up, stir the embers sufficiently for toast-fork toast and watch All Blacks Tests at that hour. But not since they went professional and ruined the game.

  2. No doubt the match is still going on and on and on ad ifinitum. The frightening thing is that you devotees of cricket would get up at zero dark thirty to watch a match for which you already know the outcome. Bow wow wow.

    1. Wodgermean watch? It’s on the blasted radio! I was able to watch the original as at that time cricket was on free to air so listening to it conjures up the white clad ghosts of cricket past.

      1. It must take an extraordinary amount of imagination (or really good drugs) to make a radio broadcast of cricket tolerable. I’d rather tune into static.

        1. You’re probably too young to remember radio sport commentaries….poor millenial….
          In this case, the match is memorable and the commentators old cricketers with long memories and a fund of stories – eight hours of sheer pleasure per day!

          1. Thanks for the compliment. No one has ever called me a millennial. As someone who will this year see his Biblical three score and ten, it’s good to know someone still thinks of me as a young ‘un! Actually I grew up on radio sports, baseball especially. It’s cricket that baffles me.

  3. Ahh! The early hours – for me it’s MotoGP live from the far east/Oz that requires the alarm call and gallons of strong coffee. On the VPNs have been disappointed to pay good money for reputable stuff only to have the Turkish techno-fiends block it with no interest or come-back from the VNP! Have found 3 that work here and are free (with a Pro option) ‘Hola’; ‘iNinja’; ‘Rus’ might be worth having as a backup/alternative. Anyway, thanks for the entertaining start to the day.

  4. So we see the demi-monde rustling up clients from the stage, during a performance — a hundred reasons indeed — followed by a vivid image of a drowning David Attenborough. A lively start to the day. If Helen doesn’t sleep, nobody sleeps. Nice one!

  5. What kind of man asks for a pickled fish and mayonnaise sandwich at 3.30 am? 😀
    I’m with Leo on the mayo – prefer a milder tasting oil. A chacun son goût.
    What did David Attenborough do to warrant your disfavour?

    1. The sort of man who attempts to make Marmite when stocks are running short…..who decided to pickle sea bass when the jars of pickled herring brought from Europe had been exhausted…
      David Attenborough? He makes me think of a Moray eel.

  6. Pickled fish and floor washing in the middle of the night, all for cricket?
    Could it be you have a problem…?
    I suppose audiences watched films like those to get away from the abject poverty they lived in.
    Personally I would rather watch the water dripping down the walls…

  7. there you are, laughter in the time of covid19. on a beautiful sunny morning which is soon to go to a beautiful sunny day turning into a cold and very wet day to follow. Ah well.
    thanks for the laugh anyway.

    Attenborough is a national treasure, I’ll have you know.

    1. Full moon when I rose from my pit….a lovely golden orb in the dark sky. Followed by a sunny morning then a cloudburst in the afternoon, lashing the surface of the pool like something from ‘The Cruel Sea’.
      He might well be, but he still reminds me of a Moray eel…

          1. Make America Great Again. The official Trump hat. You can get into a fight pretty easily over these, no matter what side you’re on. Fighting over hat sayings is even sillier than Dean Martin.

  8. If only we had enough WiFi speed to even watch the videos on your post, I remember ‘Daddy wouldn’t buy me a Bowow’!!!!! Perhaps my folks had it on a 78 rpm.🤔 We would be delighted to be able to get a decent TV programme but with speed maximums of 0.5 Mbps (Just tested now at 0.4) we can’t get anything extra even though officially the TV is connected to the WiFi. More than frustrating.
    Hope that all is well. We are looking forward to next week with a few lifted restrictions though we will probably self isolate for a while longer yet At least I will be able to walk outside the 1 km radius from the house which has been very frustrating, only one route I could do!!
    Take care both of you, Diane

    1. I remember our internet in rural France…frusrating is a mild way to describe its limits!
      I just bet you will be glad to walk further abroad….things are nowhere so strict here.
      Look after yourselves!

  9. One thing that I thank the BBC for is Sherlock, the series with Benedict Cumberbatch. It’s on Netflix, which we subscribed to not long ago. Sherlock is very trippy, but somehow has an authentic feel to it too. Anyway, the show provided me and my wife with some needed entertainment in these pandemic days.

    1. Leo has watched Sherlock too – Cumberbatch was a bit if a shock if you were brought up on the traditional Sherlock series, apparently, but he enjoyed it.
      Thank goodness for Netflix in these times of confinement to quarters.

    1. There is indeed! Leo is up and down during the night to take his inhalers so i think at some point we have seen all the small hours of the morning!
      Thanks for that tip…it would be so useful if it would get round the’rights issues’ that bedevil cricket commentaries.

      1. I feel.much the same.
        Around 22:30 in France, jawdropping sky, glass of acceptable cremante.
        Dog was sulking, but since I got the goaty cashmere wrap out I am suddenly her best cuddle friend.

        1. I have now found a source of Cremant de Loire at an acceptable price…so when the rain isn;t lashing down at night I will dare to be aDaniel and occupy the reclining chair which the dogs fondly think of as theirs and enjoy the evening stars.
          I have a disgraceful dressing gown from the year dot which is ideal for warding off the odd cool breeze…the dogs think that is theirs too.

  10. I wonder if you are familiar with that little ditty from our Revolutionary War, and sung in children’s camps in the 20th century, “Do your ears hang low, can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw them over your shoulder like a Continental Soldier?”, etc. As much sense as making mayo from anything but olive oil.
    I did laugh for some time. Thank you.

    1. Glad it made you laugh.
      I enjoyed the Continental soldier verse!
      I remember another version…supposedly naval.
      Do your balls hang low
      Can you swing them to and fro
      Can you tie them in a reef
      Can you tie them in a bow
      Do you get a funny feeling as they fy towards the ceiling
      Well, you’ll never make a sailor if your balls hang low.

  11. It can be a challenge battling one’s wits with technology…glad you were resilient enough to triumph this time (and accomplished much in the interim-bravo). Cheers for future victories.

    1. It would be so easy if the BBC would let people subscribe…i’d be quite happy to pay up for the full range of programmes, but as it is we mess about paying for proxy – or poxy – servers, when the BBC could have our money direct.
      Not much will stand between me and a cricket match…even if it was one from 15 years ago…

  12. It drives me mad when the BBC decides at the very last moment to reschedule some programme they decide is less important than say, a football match or a political speech. I sit down expectantly with my sandwich or glass of wine and pouf! the anticipated programme has been sucked into a black hole.

    Still, that’s clearly a very minor contretemps compared with your chequered attempts to pin down BBC Five Live. It’s just not cricket!

  13. BBC scheduling has always seemed to be a moveable feast – usually in favour of something I have no wish to see or hear.
    I understand the rights issue, but there is a solution…let us subscribe!

  14. Could not agree with you more, Helen on the BBC Subscription issues! Why don’t they? What a massive, missed marketing opportunity! We’ve recently had shenanigans with our proxy server that haven’t yet been resolved. We were fine getting all sorts of programmes we were wanting to watch and then we were not. Contacting the service provider unleashed a whole series of hide a

  15. ..sorry, something pressed the button…couldn’t have been me, guv…nd seek actions involving incognito this and disabling that. None of this seems to have worked and the result is I have probably tied the computer up in knots that I know not how now to untie. BBC missing a trick!! Love to both and happy cricketing!

    1. I know how you feel about computers…all I can say is that – so far – it has not ‘fallen apart in my hands’…no doubt the day will come.
      So glad to see you blogging again…I’ve missed your voice…and can but agree about the sheer waste of potential income which the BBC seems happy to ignore.

  16. I am impressed that you get up at 3 am on the other side of the Atlantic and are able to find BBC Radio Five Live Sports Extra. Here in Cheshire I am lucky if I can find it at 3 pm. Admittedly our broadband is slow. I just hope that you were not so tired that you fell asleep listening to the commentary.

    1. As Leo is so ill, I am used to prowling the house in the small hiurs…but had i known that the BBC had changed the broadcast times I would have lain in bed much longer.
      I have to say that, fingers crossed, Costa Rica has a very good internet service – much better than our time in rural France.
      No chance of going to sleep given the events of that match!

  17. Cricket! Do I have to remind you that you are Scottish?
    Well…never thought I’d see the day when you would decide to go all “Carry On”. That and wishing all manner of dire ends to the life of a world renowned wildlife presenter all in one post. Go Helen!

  18. Father would watch England v Australia to see the latter annhilate the former…gave him much pleasure. Pity he didn’t live to see Scotland beat them fairly recently….
    I owe cricket to an Australian grandfather – mother’s father – who took me to The Oval as his alibi. I would be parked with a lemonade and pork pie in the charge of the ladies running the tea stall while he caught up with his mates and bought a mound of peppermints to get his breath in a state acceptable to his wife on his return.
    Perhaps the Carry On and the longings for an unnatural end to David Attenborough means that – finally – I am going Troppo….too much exposure to the Tropics.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s