The Spider in the Bath

We have moved to one of the spare bedrooms as it is more convenient for Leo if he is wakeful in the night. Wakeful or not, he still starts his day at five thirty, collecting the dog bowls and recuperating any leftovers into the pan which will go out to the chickens. I, however, unless there is cricket on the radio in the small hours, give myself another half hour in which to come to life before checking my slippers for a scorpion which lives among Leo’s papers and has made more final appearances than Frank Sinatra, prior to trekking across the house to perform my ablutions in the main bathroom.

However, on that particular morning, I was not alone.

There was a very hairy spider, larger than my outstretched hand, trying to escape from the bath. Good luck with that, I thought…the bath was constructed by Danilo and resembles the sarcophagus of a Pharoah – without the lid.

Or the gold.

I don’t mind spiders as a rule…they rid the place of other pests…but this one is described by Danilo as a horse killer which does not inspire me with confidence.

I eyed the beast warily.

It was immobile. Probably eyeballing me with a view to goodness only knows what.

Best not to whinny.

I went to find the long handled dustpan and a heavy cloth with which to trap the brute

On return…no spider.

How long had it been trying to escape? And why did it choose that moment to succeed?

Why, in the wilds of Costa Rica, did I have to come across a descendent of the spider that inspired Robert the Bruce?

I know that the Scots get everywhere….but that this tradition extended to Scots spiders had remained unknown to me..

It was the worst of all possible scenarios…it could be anywhere.

However, as it was clearly no longer in the bath that was a safe zone. I drew a bath.

Now a bath is said to be a relaxing experience…not if you are scanning your surroundings for a monstrous horse killing spider it isn’t. Nor was it. I was out of that bath, towelled and dressed, with the speed of a rat up a drainpipe.

Over the next few days the spider made irregular and unexpected appearances…..on the wall behind my desk…..emerging gaily from the shower……..on the seat of Leo’s electric scooter…only to disappear before dustpan and cloth would be brought into play.

We christened him…not, as you might expect, The Scarlet Pimpernel, as we decidedly did not seek him either here or there…but the Black Douglas, Bruce’s companion in the Scottish Wars of Independence in the fourteenth century, the master of guerilla warfare.

Scots tend to go on a bit about Bannockburn and beating the Sassenachs…not so much about the raids led by the Black Douglas, more politely known as the Good Sir James, that forced England to accept the independence of the kingdom years later. As a reminder of his exploits, children in the Border regions would be lulled to sleep by the rhyme

‘Hush ye, hush ye, dinna fret ye

The Black Douglas willna get ye.’

I know how they felt.

Scots also tend to go on a bit about the union of the Two Kingdoms in the eighteenth century – brought about by the near bankruptcy of the lowlands of Scotland caused by the failure of the Darien scheme, which aimed to establish an Atlantic/Pacific trade route in what is now Panama in the face of sabotage by England and hostility by Spain.

As P.G. Wodehouse wrote, ‘It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.’ and the Act of Union certainly cast a cloud over the Scottish psyche in the succeeding centuries, fuelling calls for independence and a habit of ascribing all ills to governance of Scotland from Westminster.

Since 1999 Scotland has had a devolved parliament, deciding most domestic policy, and, over time, the Scottish National Party has assumed overall control, currently with a massive majority.

There was a referendum on independence on 2014, lost after promises were made by the leaders of the three main parties in the Westminster parliament, and the then First Minister of Scotland, Alex Salmond, was obliged to respect the result.

However, as might have been expected, the promises came to naught, and the SNP settled into ruling Scotland with, in general, beneficial results for the country.

But there has been disquiet…to Alex Salmond and his like the new leaders of the party have lost sight of the goal of full independence and are, instead, intent on consolidating their power over party and country – potentially dangerous in what has almost become a one party state.

The criticism is unwelcome… the extent that women with contacts in the higher echelons of the SNP decided to bring concerted accusations of sexual impropriety against Salmond….since MeToo, how better to destroy a male reputation. Touch a woman’s backside these days and a man will be cast into outer darkness. Unless he is Prince Andrew, of course.

How the case was ever prosecuted is beyond me….the evidence was always questionable….but prosecuted it was and the jury threw it out.

A triumph for Scottish justice? Hardly….a politically motivated case is brought to court on evidence so shallow that it would not drown a mouse. The triumph is that the jury was more concerned to sift the facts than to be politically correct.

Yet the SNP government proposed to take unto itself the power to abolish jury trials as part of the response to the current virus scare and was only forced to withdraw by sustained pressure from the Scottish Criminal Bar Association, pointing to the potential for abuse.

What might have happened to Salmond without a jury, one wonders….

Given a judge who knows on which side of the bread the butter has been spread and we might have a new Lord Braxfield stalking the courts.

He was a judge in the period when the Establishment feared the influence of the French revolution on the people of Great Britain and he was an Establishment man to the core.

His view of his role was as follows, when it came to ordinary people seeking reform

‘Let them bring me prisoners and I will find them law’.

Responding to the claim of a reformer appearing before him on a charge of sedition that Jesus Christ too was a reformer, he said’…and muckle guid it did him for he was hingit tae.’

And were he in sole charge of the Salmond case his best known quote might well have been resurrected.

‘Ye’re a vera clever chiel, man, but ye wad be nane the waur for a hanging.’

Clearly the resurrected Lord Braxfield would adopt a different tone…that of political correctness, more soothing on the ear, but equally punitive.

Elizabeth I stated that she did not want to open windows into men’s souls – outward conformity in matters of religion was sufficient

Political correctness – especially in the sphere of what is called hate crime – not only opens a window, it ram raids the door. For a ‘hate incident’ to take place it suffices that the victim – or anyone else – thinks that what took place is motivated by prejudice or hostility. No intent is required to be shown.

Not unlike Braxfield’s invention of the crime of ‘unconscious sedition’.

And yet it can all look so reasonable. Complainants making allegations of sexual impropriety guard their anonymity nomatter what the outcome of the case. Given the hurdles faced by women bringing such actions guaranteed anonymity is a necessary encouragement.

So in the Salmond case, the women concerned have the right to the protection of the law if there is a risk of their names being made public.

The problem is that, given their proximity to Salmond in his role as First Minister and leader of the SNP it would not take a genius to work out who most of them are, and the press have gone pretty near the mark in so doing.

So are there any prosecutions of the mainstream press?


Are there any prosecutions at all?

Yes……of two bloggers, neither of whom have gone anywhere near as far as the press.

One happens to be someone who was once high up in the SNP but disagrees with the current leadership, the other a man with a high profile on revealing the underbelly of power.

In the latter case a virtual hearing on management of the case will be heard and the gentleman concerned is anxious that he will not be steamrollered by inappropriately applied procedural devices.

He is keen to have people ask to have access to the virtual proceedings and, as his Twitter and Facebook utterances have a high level of suppression, asks people to read his statement of the case and to spread a link to it.

I am not a great fan of Alex Salmond, nor a follower of the gentleman in question, Craig Murray, but I am not at all happy at what seems like the Scottish justice system being used to attack fair comment, so here is the link.

Oh, and by the way, I thought I would float in the pool today before the afternoon rains started…and guess who was there already, clinging to the side?

The Black Douglas. Clearly the bath was not the limit of his aspirations to conquest.


30 thoughts on “The Spider in the Bath”

  1. Craig Murray would like to be associated with the ‘Black Douglas!’
    Once, delivering a box of wine in Northern London (1984) a woman opened the door and brought me inside.
    The driver I worked with was left wondering.
    In fact,at past eleven on the clock, she was desperate to get into the bathroom, and a spider sat in the bath!
    I think I used a sheet of paper to collect him and dump him outside. She was relieved.
    How she would cope with ‘Black Douglas’ I know not.

    Nicola is doing very well in her handling of the Virus crisis, however, the one party state is clearly a danger with her.
    A dictatorship indeed and must be deflated to get the best from her and move the Independence debate forward.
    I am never too sure about Craig Murray but ‘they’ do not like him in any way do they?

    All those animals and not one capable of chasing spiders and scorpions? You need a cat or two…

    1. A cat? A mere cat? It would take a sabre toothed tiger! The dogs pretend to ignore it….
      Did your colleague accept your explanation?
      One of the many reasons I want full independence is to restore proper politics to Scotland…as it is, everything is slewed by the use of the slogan as a bath towel for the SNP and we don’t get a wide spread of views and policies.
      No, Craig Murray’s face does not seem to fit, does it…

      1. Independence would see a proper change in Scots politics.
        Revise the PR and soon a sensible, left, rigtht, centre approach would be seen.
        Parties would change, possibly SNP disappear as such, and soon settle down to normal hating one another as we do.

        1. Yes, back to normal hatred could be a good election slogan!
          But I agree…Scotland needs a balanced view of its future and that will come with full independence.

  2. Let’s forget about the Scottish politics for a moment and concentrate on the REAL ISSUE. Where is the spider? I shan’t sleep until I know it’s safely under lock and key.

    1. Well, it is no longer on the wall of the swimming pool….I fear you are doomed to insomnia….and so am I! Especially now that Sarah has raised the question of the loo seat…
      I shall have to take the laundry tongs in there to check – respecting the social distance from the Black Douglas.

    1. I don’t know whether it is worse when still or scuttling…but it is an expert at guerilla warfare!
      We all need a distraction at the moment, but I’m not sure that the Black Douglas is the ideal solution…
      The dogs ignore it. Wisely.

  3. Helen, I am not happy with any spider and this one sounds horrendous!! I would have moved out until Danilo had tracked it down and he would have to prove it to me that it was no more around the house or the pool. Are you sure there is not one inside and one outside “shudder”. How on earth did it get out of the bath to start with?
    Take care and stay safe for more reasons than just the virus!!!!! Diane

    1. Normal spiders don’t worry me, but Danilo having called it a horse killer gave me pause fro thought!
      One inside and one outside…horror! Let’s hope they are not breeding!
      It got out of the bath a damn sight easier than I did…..its knees must be in good working order. I thought it was in there for the duration – no such luck!
      I don’t know…virus to left of us, spiders to right of us…

  4. One thing that has changed over recent times (since 2013) is the total politicisation and rise of corruption of the ‘Police Scotland’. There was a time when the Met, closely followed by Birmingham City Police and Kent Constabulary were on the podium. These days that shower over the border have been getting and eating the cake and are nicely ensconced with the Sturgeon regime. Were you aware that the head of MI5, Ken McCallum, is a Scot who lives in Edinburgh? May the gods help those who are truly bent on independence because Culloden was not the last battle for a free Scotland and there are more collaborators now than there were back then!

    1. All too well aware….the existence of a ‘Salmond squad’, as self proclaimed, despite the failure of the show trial tells you more than you wish to know.
      The Crown Office is no longer, in practice, independent either, so the structure of a corrupt police state is well set up.
      It is why I want true independence, to break the power of the SNP and give some chance for genuine politics to resume.

    1. I know that Mel Gibson is supposed to be a film star – if only because he used to have a spread near the coast in Costa Rica before something or other went wrong….but i think I know more about the Black Douglas than about him…
      Brave heart, my backside…but at least I’m not painted blue.

  5. Most spiders don’t bother me, not being especially large, but one as big as my outstretched hand would surely terrify me. I hope you manage to send him or her packing.

    The law is certainly widely abused by those in power, and nowadays also those with a political axe to grind. But what often worries me is the widespread assumption of someone’s guilt before they’ve even been charged, let alone brought to court. Whatever happened to “innocent until proved guilty”?

    I can’t comment on Scottish politics, which I know little about. My friend in Edinburgh is more bothered by exploding porridge than anything political.

    1. Exploding porridge sounds quite political to me…
      Yes, i agree…it’s as if being put in the frame is enough to have guilt assumed. Is this down to the media, do you think?

  6. If they ignore it, wise to worry.
    Bronte will try most jalapeno sky raisins, or ground crawlers; if she avoids these snacks it is a sure sign that they are a nono.

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