‘No sex please, we’re British.’

In England, the lockdown is easing….officially. Unofficially it is dead in the water, but officially it is easing. Six people can meet in the park…or in the forecourt of a car showroom or at open air markets. Must have open air markets…how else are Toby and Fiona to sell the New Age crap they have been fabricating during the lockdown? Whether such a term includes car boot sales – more like Bob and Beryl selling the stuff they finally sorted twenty years after moving house – is open to question…as is just about everything – except for one firm stricture.

Meetings of two or more people indoors are forbidden. Strang verboten.

So bang goes the Socialist Workers Party meeting….two in a ‘phonebox is one too many.

So if you are having an – authorised – barbecue in the garden – for no more than six persons, all duly sanitising their hands, plates and probably the food – then in the name of all that is holy make sure that no one can meet whil trotting to the loo in the house.

A system of red and green lights? A door monitor? Tickets? A chemikarzie in the shrubbery?

Whatever your solution make sure you oberve it…because others are observing too. No, not observing the rules, but observing you observing the rules.

Not necessarily the police, though given the attitude of some Chief Constables it is a wonder the skies are not full of drones monitoring the new ‘freedom’ which you are ‘privileged’ to enjoy. You have invited your neighbours to the barbecue in your garden and all is going swimmingly…the pinot grigio is on intravenous drip and the salmonella chicken is strutting its stuff when someone drops in through the back gate to warn you that police drones are in the area. Seven people in your garden!

Immediately a voice from the heavens announces that groups of more than six are forbidden to associate…

‘Isolate by order of the Daleks – sorry, the Chief Constable…exterminate…exterminate…’

Better take shelter before it has you filmed, identified, fined and filed as a dissident…but whatever you do…do not go into the house!

Flee for the shelter of the gazebo, and try not to fall over the chemikarzie.

The police cannot be everywhere…but Neighbourhood Watch certainly can! The idea was to keep an eye out for potential crime problems, but the lockdown has led to the discovery that while the television might be boring, the goings on of the neighbours has more than compensated.

‘George! The woman at no 31 is out again with her dog!’

‘It isn’t her dog, Marjorie! It’s Shep, old Mac’s dog….he’s half blind and incontinent. Mac can’t get out with him anymore – his daughter used to walk it but she’s not allowed to come to see him.’

‘So that woman has appropriated a dog in order to leave the house! Three times today!’

‘It pees a lot…don’t you remember, Mac’s daughter had to replace the hall carpet?’

‘Well, she isn’t incontinent…or not in that sense!! I should report her to the police…’

As night falls and television programming leaves a lot to be desired, Marjorie is again at her upstairs window…


‘What is it, Marjorie?’

‘A car has pulled up outside no. 31!’

”That’s a surprise…never a parking space normally when you want one..’

‘A man has got out! I think it is that foreign looking one who was always hanging around there when her husband was out…before he left, that is…the husband, I mean, if he was a husband and not just some toy boy.’

‘For goodness’ sake, Marjorie he was forty if he was a day!’

‘That’s nothing now…and she could be any age under all that make up… Oh look! He’s going round the back!’

‘So that’s that…you can’t see anything…come and watch the Sewing Bee.’

Blast the Sewing Bee! I’ll ring Tessa…her house overlooks the back of no.31.’

‘Tessa? Marjorie here. Remember that foreigner who used to visit no 31 when her husband was out? Yes, him, with that pointy beard! Well, he’s here again and he’s gone round the back!…Yes, I can hold on until you get upstairs….ooh, there’s a light on in the back? Can you see any more? No…the blinds are down…I see…but it is clear that he is there? Thanks, Tessa…I’ll call the police.’

Thus it is that the lady at no.31 hears the repeater of the doorbell, and, unentwining her self from the gentleman with the pointy beard, goes to the front door, where she encounters two policemen.

They tell her that they have information that she is entertaining a person in her house, contrary to government guidelines.

‘No officer…your informant is mistaken. I am indeed entertaining a friend….in the gazebo in the garden. We are but two…unless you care to join us…..’


34 thoughts on “‘No sex please, we’re British.’”

  1. It’s the Marjories of suburbia that keep me from joining the NW. Ask Marj to pop in and water the pansies and she tells all and sundry that she’s looking after your place while you’re in Outer Magnolia because you wont be back for 6 weeks and the pansies will need to be watered.

    1. ‘Well, Bob, in the interests of good community relations…’
      ‘But you’ll have to take off your stab vest…and be careful not to tazer anyone in the heat of the moment…’

  2. Although things here (in some areas total chaos), others like my neighborhood are still semi-quarantined. I consider myself lucky that I was already retired.

    1. Things are more relaxed here and the cases relatively few…but now there is an influx from Nicaragua where the government is in denial about the virus and people are desprate for treatment – which Costa Rica offers free to everyone, regardless of status. The number of cases is rising fast.

        1. The government have imposed stricter vehicle restrictions on the affected areas…but the problem is that this influx of Nicaraguans fuels the prejudice which is not far below the surface here.

  3. A few days ago my wife and I had our first social outing since mid-March. We live in Pennsylvania, by the way. We spent an afternoon outside at the house of two of our friends. We kept a reasonable distance from them, and them from us. The next get-together with them probably will be at our house.

  4. As the majority sleep-walk into an authoritarian, police-state future there will be an army of paid and unpaid grasses gleefully ‘doing their bit’ for the well-being of the community-at-large (or the ‘Innernashunal Comunidy’ as it is called on the global stage). Welcome to the Brave New World – step right in sir (or madam)!

      1. Hitachi has developed an RFID the size of a grain of salt readable from up to 60mts. There is a firm in Oxford(UK) that is producing vaccines etc with this chip in so that ‘health-care professionals can use a reader to check who has been treated’. Brave New World? I kid you not is already here – and the sheeple are bleating that ‘I’ve done nothing wrong/if it helps stop the spread/etc, so it’s OK!’

  5. Goodness, I don’t recognise any of that and I actually live in the country you portray here. Perhaps our village is the exception to the rule you appear to have established as the norm. And very few follow the newly eased lockdown conditions, we are all elderly and dead scared of catching the virus. But we do meet in tiny groups for a drink in the garden during late afternoon while the glorious weather holds. And no, Marjorie, whoever she may be, is not invited. She is far too busy swinging from the chandelier.

  6. We’ve moved on to protesting with and w/o masks and certainly no distancing. I believe the protesters also are standing down the ever present looters. No one seems to be checking out our stances these days, though Marjorie(s) must be keeping track of the use of grocery carts, because shot keepers are faithful to cleaning them.
    Fun post; thanks.

    1. Yes, the looters need to be dealt with…these agents provocateurs did the gilets jaunes no favours in taking on Macron in France.
      Glad you enjoyed a bit of fun….life should not be all solemn and earnest. Even when it is.

  7. Here in Northern Ireland it’s not so much strict policing of other people’s behaviour as an increasingly couldn’t care less attitude to safety measures. Hundreds of people flocking to beaches and beauty spots with little attempt at distancing or any other precautions. But then again, since the safety guidelines are getting more and more confusing and arbitrary it’s not surprising so many people are taking so little notice of them.

    1. Friends in the U.K. tell me that they have no confidence either in government, police or any of the assorted scientists so far wheeled out.
      They are keeping distance from others, as they would in any ‘flu epidemic and avoiding public transport, but will certyainly not take up any proposed app.

  8. We met friends for an outdoor barbecue on Tuesday, the first time we have eaten out of the house or even spoke to anyone face to face since the 27th Feb. It was just such a pleasure to get out and we all kept our distance. We have dentist appointments tomorrow, I had 3 appointments planned before the dreaded virus! Gosh it sounds like we are really gadding about, but no we plan on staying pretty much isolated for longer yet until we know what is actually happening. I think the rest of this year is going to be an odd year. By the way, we should be on holiday in Italy now for 4 weeks, oh well. Take care both of you and stay safe. Diane

  9. All one mad whirl, isn’t it!
    How will it go qith the dentist in terms of distance and all that? Sounds pretty impossible.
    What a shame about Italy…trust the bug to raise its head when we were planning to travel as much as you could!

  10. Do people actually watch ‘Sewing Bee’, or whatever it’s called? Almost as inexplicable as the popularity of the hideous ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’ (ambiguity intended). If it wasn’t for Netflix, I’d be watching No 31.

  11. The friends of my own age certainly don’t…as one said, the excitement might kill her…but their ‘kids’ do! Country’s gone to the dogs – who have probably sniffed and rejected it…
    I saw a bit of the Brown stuff once…that was enough!
    Leo is on Netflix…keeps him occupied and both of us sane!

  12. I read this post about ten days ago and could not think of a comment. Crime here is returning to pre-pandemic normal with stabbings and shootings at the weekend giving the police real crime to investigate. Even some major transgrssions of the lockdown rules were ignored because I think that the police were scared of catching coronvirus.

  13. I don’t think the stabbers and shooters give a tinker’s cuss for health…their own or anyone else’s and I don’t envy the police trying to break up a traveller’s funeral !
    Here we have a problem as it is the fruit picking and packing season which attracts workers from Nicaragua…where the government refuses to admit the existence of the bug, let alone give treatment. The border police have returned just under 2000 illegal immigrants from Nicaragua so far and the health ministry has descended on the fruit plantations to tighten up health controls…but from 10 to 12 cases a day we are now in the 60 to 90 range, thanks to idiots having birthday parties and baby showers.
    However, few are in hospital – 27 – and even fewer in intensive care…4 at the moment – and our canton has been clear since the beginning of the outbreak.

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