The U.K. Repel Boarders Force Christmas Meeting

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Well, ladies and gentlemen, at the end of our first year of activity I think we can say that we  been very successful in safeguarding our country’s maritime frontiers. It just goes to show what the ordinary people of Britain can do when called upon… and look at the support we have had from the community!

Yes, Mr.Chairman! The Forgetmenots Luncheon Club had a raffle, as did the Over 60s Yoga and Pilates, the Yarnbombers, the Homebrewers and the Dachshund Walkers Group. And we shouldn’t forget Mr.Patel putting up our posters in the newsagent and I think we should express our gratitude to Mr. Aziz’s taxi firm for picking up our members in the early hours from the  bus shelter after their tour of duty for which service he has refused all offers of payment.

Yes, it just goes to show what a solid community we have…despite the vicar.

What’s he been up to this time?

Well…hang on, let’s get a round in as Bob has been kind enough to let us use the back room here…

Bob! Two Teachers, one Bells, two pints, one port and lemon and a double gin and campari.

Oh, thanks, Bob! Cheese and crackers!

Nice bit of Cheddar, that! Just right!

Now, what about the vicar?

Well, you know what he’s like….apparently he told the Mothers’ Union that we were all a bunch of fascists. 0r racists, I can’t remember which but it was certainly ‘ists’…Not that they took much notice, but it’s a bit thick…we are clearly non political, just doing our best to uphold the law when the coastguard are so badly stretched.

And what’s happened to the Navy, I should like to know! When those French attacked our scallop fishermen, where were the Navy? One ship on a jolly in Norway and the other laid up! Fat load of use that would have been in the cod wars!

Well, yes, Deidre, it’s a crying shame what has become of the Navy…but that’s getting us into political waters…Bob? Another double gin and campari, please.

I forgot! I have to give Mrs. Bracegirdle’s apologies! As you know she has had a trying time lately with the police trying to confiscate her late husband’s binoculars with which she surveys the creek. Luckily she and her dachshund have been more than a match for them, but she says she doesn’t want to miss Eastenders so cannot be with us tonight.

I propose a vote of thanks to Mrs. Bracegirdle. After all, had it not been for her watchful eye we would never have captured those illegal immigrants!

All in favour raise your hands. Passed nem con. Would the funds be able to cough up for a box of chocolates for Mrs. Bracegirdle, do you think, Tom?

Wel, yes, Mr.Chairman, but I think it might be ultra vires, as not being a direct action to prevent illegal immigration…

Oh! We don’t want trouble with the law…or the vicar..

What’s that Bob?

You’ll give her a box of  chocolates? Very generous of you! Another round, please!

She likes milk chocolates…

Thank you, Deidre.

Well, Mrs.Bracegirdle did sterling work! She spotted that tender coming  up the creek on the first  of the tide..and she knew who owned it. No way would he have been coming in at that state of the tide under normal circumstances!

No…too right! He picks up his floozies from the creek wall! You wouldn’t see them getting their high heels stuck in the mud at the head of the creek on the first of the tide.

I did hear that that woman who runs the estate agents was one of his light of loves…

Probably involved in putting the illegals in unoccupied properties….

That’s a point,  Deidre…perhaps you had better tell the police.

I did, but all they did was to warn me that making allegations without foundation could land me in trouble.

Typical. Sulking because they were shown up by ordinary citizens having to do their job for them…

Bob? Another double gin and campari please.

Anyway, Mrs. Bracegirdle did the right thing: called Mr. Armstrong who came down with his cosh and kept them occupied while I called the police. Just as well I called up  our own reserves too as the poor devils were frozen and starving so we were able to get them together and ask the ‘Coffee Pot’ cafe to take them in and give them hot soup and rolls….even though they were just about to close…while the Dogs’ Refuge brought clean blankets which had just been donated….thanks, Dave, for getting Mrs. Crowe to open up their stores.

The time you’d wait for the police and ambulance they’d have perished from cold…not that the police were very pleased when they did arrive and I just hope they returned the blankets as the poor dogs need them so much in the winter.

Makes you wonder why they go through it all….the people, I mean. Pay a fortune and risk losing your life…for what?

Well, to tell the truth, I think they think that things here are better than they actually are. I mean, would you believe that there would be a food bank here? People living from hand to mouth when they are in work? These chaps want to read the papers before they put their families in hock for years…

Still, we’re here to try to stop them getting ashore…the rest is politics…

And that isn’t our concern.

But Mrs. Bracegirdle’s triumph was when she and her dachshund cornered the trafficker by the public toilets – he must have thought he could hide there and then make a getaway – until Mr. Armstrong could come over and threaten him with his cosh.

For a little dog that Atilla of hers is pretty impressive…very snappy and leaps straight for your crown jewels….the postman won’t deliver…

Well, lord high and mighty wouldn’t have known that the council had closed the toilets last year, would he? He’d use the Yacht Club conveniences, having the keys…

Yes, please, Bob, another round, but could you make one of a pints a double brandy, please? I think I’ve a cold coming on.

Did you hear the tale he told? Said he’d picked them up mid Channel as their boat was sinking and was bringing them in to safety…he’d have taken them straight to the police if we hadn’t interfered…

One of the poor devils had some English though, and he said they were picked up from a creek near Boulogne where they had been taken in a truck…

Anyway, no one who knows him would believe he’d do a good deed….look how he finangled his election as Commodore of the Yacht Club…it was poor old Jack’s turn but he  wormed his way in with his criticisms of the steward and the way the bar was run…

And now you need a mortgage to buy a drink there…Andy was chucked out for bringing in his own beer after the Autumn Cup…

To be fair he was selling it out on the balcony…

Still, there’ll have to be new elections for Commodore now…good riddance to him with his red trousers and his ‘water at the mark’!

They do say that he voted Liberal Democrat…

Now, Deirdre, no politics please  or the vicar will accuse us of being ‘ists’ again…

Any other business? No? Well that’s that then…well done everyone, have a merry Christmas and keep up the good work in the year to come!

Bob? Another round please, and a taxi for Deidre.

And may you all enjoy a merry Christmas too!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Jack Frost Roasting in an Open Fire

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And if he isn’t already just give me the pitchfork and I’ll see to it myself.

If I hear one more blast of American secular Christmas songs when out shopping I risk bursting a gasket…

‘Let it snow’, indeed…as I step out of the shop into 35 degrees centigrade on the street.

The next rendition of Feliz Navidad by a choir of adenoidal children to the tune of ‘Jingle Bells’ will bring out the Herod in me and while that fell dirge ‘The Little Drummer Boy’ seems to be less popular these days it can still spring out and drive the unwary to drink at any moment.

Oh for a decent carol!

And with that in mind, I would like to wish you a merry Christmas, to thank you for all the comments which make the blog a pleasure to write and to hope that you will enjoy this carol from the tradition of pub singing around Sheffield and the Derbyshire Peak district…..

Sweet Chiming Christmas Bells

Christmas is Coming….

christmas tree hopital de ninosAnd San Jose abounds in fibre glass reindeer and inflatable santas to add to the perils of the streets.
The lights have been switched on at the tree outside the Hopital de Ninos and the municipality has declared war on unauthorised street vendors.

It seems to have worried the municipality that the street vendors have encroached on the muni’s prerogative by hiring out sites to each other, the contract assured by a few heavies, as opposed to the muni’s system of licensing street sellers and sending the police to chase the others who just nip round the corner and come back when the police have given up.

My money is not on the muni.

Christmas music has taken over in the supermarkets….and the decorations are going up in the three valleys.
And very nice they are too though they cannot – could not – rival those of the area where I used to live in France; I reckon that it could have been seen from space over the Christmas period though unknown to the world and to GPS at all other times.

One item catches my eye each time I pass.
A Santa Claus, all white beard and whisker on the red oval background.
I know things about that santa which cannot be revealed to its proud owner.

Some time back I was visiting my mother before Christmas as part of those ‘let’s see if the house in France has been taken over by squatters’ trips.
She was sorting out her Christmas card and present list and held out to me in some annoyance the item which now adorns a door in the three valleys.

Hilda won it in a raffle for the blind and passed it on to me! What does she think I’m going to do with it!

Well if you don’t want it….

I certainly don’t!

Then it will come in handy for wrapping up this bottle of port I’m taking back.

And so it did.
The port emerged from the suitcase unscathed – as I had not passed through U.S.A. airports with their Fagin trained baggage handlers – and I laid the wrapper aside for disposal.

The next day the woman who mucks us out each week came for her regular session which has The Men heading for the hills and the dogs lying low under the balcony while mops are flourished and dusters deployed.
She saw the wrapper and asked if she could have it.
Of course she could.

After all, what was I going to do with a festive loo seat cover?

But I still feel vaguely guilty as I pass the house…..

Needless to say, The Neighbour (some of whose history is available on the page just under the header) has decided to contribute to the Christmas spirit.
He has let it be known that in his view we are responsible for the ruination of local solidarity – that is, his reign of terror – and that he expects every Costa Rican to do their duty and ostracise us until we move out.

And if any Costa Rican does not then he will take measures to encourage them: he will kill off their cattle, poison their dogs and take a machete to anyone he encounters when there are no witnesses.

Clearly a conviction politician.

We don’t know everyone on our road….though we know a lot of people after the mess made of the water distribution by the people behind The Neighbour….

We are not universally liked by those we do know….the ‘soy pobre’s (I’m poor) who think we should give them plantains rather than sell them.
As I’ve said to a number of them…they have plenty of land to plant their own plantains, to sow beans and maize….and if they can’t be bothered, that’s their problem.
I’m not a charity for the idle.

The Neighbour is, I think, at his last throw of the dice.
Thanks to new laws and the courts his power as a sort of witchdoctor is in sad decline….people have seen that he can be taken on.

So now he goes for the race card…..and he will have some success.

But I think I can live with being ostracised by idiots….I’ve had that all my life.